Raw Reflection

I never, ever, ever write draft blog posts.  You're lucky I re-read and do spell check to correct miss-spelled words from typing so fast! (kidding- kinda!).  A friend of mine asked me the other day if I wrote drafts because she likes how honest my blog is and I said no.  Never.  I want my blog to reflect me 100% and what I am going through.  I don't sugar coat anything and I am well aware that things I say may upset people or make them uncomfortable.  I guess that's a risk you are willing to take by reading this.  I also started this blog to help myself.  I need to get a lot out in order for me to stay focused and true to myself during this process.  Thirdly, I am far, far too lazy to write a draft post!

I haven't written a post in quite some time.  Honestly, I didn't know what to say.  Most days I have been finding to be more on the depressing side with pain and not sleeping.  Last night I literally slept 2 hours.  When I say I don't sleep- I really don't sleep.  If you are complaining about your 4 or 5 hours I might kick your arse.  Yes, you will be tired but let me tell you not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night for over a month and a half is WAY worse.

I feel gross about myself lately.  I am still taking the steroid called Decadron and I eat like a horse and it plays a significant role in why I am not sleeping.  I have a meeting with my oncologist in the morning before next weeks chemo and I am going to ask her if it is imperative that I take it or not.   I HATE IT!!!!  I have gained over 10 lbs so far.  6 of those have been in the past WEEK.  I eat extremely healthy, I walk almost every day when I can but there is no way I can stay ahead of the steroid.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel so ugly.  Here I am, I will be 27 in 2 weeks and I am bald, feel ugly and fat and there is nothing I can do about it.

I have also been having a very very difficult time with people.  I say people because some used to be friends- even some of my best friends and I literally haven't heard a word from them.  They continue to spend time with our mutual friends but I am never included.  I know I go to bed earlier than everyone and I get tired easily but I just simply don't get invited at all. Period.  I find people to be so very very selfish.

The past month has been very trying for me.  I try not to let myself get upset when I am not included, thought of or invited.  It really hurts my feelings and then to hear how perfect life is for other people.  I wish people could see outside of their own little bubble and think about how their actions affect others.  I don't think this should only be done in my situation but I think it is a good practice in general.  Think before you act.  If the situation were reversed how would you feel?

I have cried a lot.  I don't sleep so am always overtired and I get frustrated easily and some days just want to give up.  Don't get me wrong I have an amazing family and some incredible friends- I just used to have a lot more.

When I was originally diagnosed in 2011 I was determined to beat this disease right off the bat and that was how it was going to be and now when it came back I find myself having a harder time to think the same way.  I think a lot has to do with thinking that it was over with and I would never have to do this again.  And on top of that I have been disappointed and let down by a lot of people so instead of being optimistic about things it has been bringing me down.  A lot.

I went to reiki today which is healing touch.  I have never felt better.  It did wonders for my soul.  I was recommended 3 books.  "You Can Heal Your Life" - Louise Hay and Dreamhealer and Dreamhealer 2 by Adam.

The book by Louise Hay (there are many) is a book I highly recommend to everyone, regardless of where you are in your life or what is going on.  It is a book that will change your life for the better after the first chapter.

Enough ranting for one night.  I need my sleep- even if it's only 2 hours.

PS: to all of those #lhdc (long hair don't care) girls...

#nhdc (no hair don't care)... and no make up either.