Pain in the @$$, literally.

I haven't gotten my biopsy results back yet. I went to bed last night early, and then I got horrific pain in my back (site of the tumor) and shooting down into my calf.  This is "sciatica gone wild".  The pain is absolutely indescribable.  It hurts to have a pinched nerve and I have my entire sciatic nerve root pinched from the tumor constantly.  I am scared for what is to come because if I don't start treatments or do something soon, the tumor will only continue to grow and push on my nerves.  When I was first diagnosed in May 2011, I was crawling on the floor with knee pads dragging myself along the floor.  Gravity is my worst enemy at this point.  I started Lyrica, the nerve pain medication I was on for a long time before.  I'm not sure how much it will help.  My right foot was just starting to get a bit of sensation back and now it is completely dead again so I don't think I will ever feel a thing again after the repeated nerve damage.  So for now, I wait.  I am taking Dilaudid to help ease some pain but it makes me very stoned.  I hope to hear something this week.  I still don't have a date for my Pet scan either.  Mom was telling me a Pet scan costs $3000-$5000.  I will be going for my 3rd shortly.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep I wrote this:

Life is not forgiving. You have one chance. Take joy in the small things. Forgive. Love easily but not recklessly. Remember that you do not know a person's individual struggles until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Don't be quick to judge others. Give a helping hand. Take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel about them. You are blessed by each persons presence in your life. Take five deep breaths a day and be thankful you were given another day. You will never know how strong you are until you don't think you can go on for another moment and you prove yourself wrong. Laughter truly is the best medicine. You will remember special moments with people in your life. Make sure to create and take full advantage of those. Treasure the moment and the memory. Stand up for what you believe in. Volunteer for a cause close to your heart. Always give back for the world does not owe you anything. Lay in the grass at night and look at the stars. Dance in the rain. Exercise. Learn to cook and eat well. Say please and thank you. Hold the door open for people entering or leaving a building. Smile and say hello to those you pass on the sidewalk. That small action could make their day. Don't get stuck in your daily routine without exploring the world and taking vacations. Life will pass you by. Don't wait until next year. It may not come. Love one another. Be kind. Eat ice cream.