Time

I was released from the hospital on Saturday morning.  I had Sunday to enjoy at home before travelling to Moncton on Monday with my parents for my PET scan.  We knew we would have to travel back down for the results in a day or two.  On Tuesday I got a call asking us to be there for 1 pm on Wednesday.  So, back we went to Moncton.  As I was waiting in the waiting room there were men walking by from ages 60+ who were very thin and looked grey.  I thought to myself that they looked sick.  I don't look sick.  It can't be true that I have a recurrence.  Everyone was hoping and praying that my cancer hadn't changed since the MRI and then I would be sent to Toronto to see specialists there.

The nurse called my name so my parents and I followed her down the hall where the exam rooms are.  Usually I am in room 3, or 5.  She walked us down to room 11 of 14.  Far away from everyone else.  That was my first indication it wasn't good news because she was taking us away from everyone else.  

The doctor came in and said that the cancer is in my sacrum and more than before and that the tumor which was 2-3 cms when this recurrence was discovered had doubled in size.  I also have metastases in my lungs and in lymph nodes in my mediastinum, the cavity between my lungs.  I lost it I collapsed on the exam table.  Lungs is bad news.  But the doctor didn't stop there.  She said I also have metastases in my lymph nodes in my abdomen.  All of this happened in 3 weeks.  There is nothing my Radiation Oncologist can do for me anymore since I cannot have any more radiation.  My parents and I screamed and cried.  I knew I was going to be given a time frame but that would have to wait until my appointment with my Oncologist on Thursday morning.

I couldn't tell anyone.  I told my brother and my sister that I was going to die.  There cannot be a harder statement you will ever have to make than that.  I still haven't been able to believe it.

I am 26, will be 27 in August.  I am fit, healthy and take care of myself.  I am now being robbed of my life.  All of the things I wanted to accomplish both personally and professionally will never be realized.

I saw my Oncologist Thursday morning and she is giving me 2 of the 6 chemo drugs I was given before.  I hope I am not sick from them as I wasn't sick the first time.  At all.  I had blood work done and a nurse took my height and weight.  The chemo will be ready for me at 8:15 Monday morning.  The only thing the chemo will (hopefully) do is to shrink the tumor on my sciatic nerve root so the pain goes away and I can enjoy my time.  I also am sick of being stoned on painkillers all the time.  I can't drive because I am too stoned.

Chemo will not give me any extra time but I am hoping by the grace of God and some miracle that it takes care of all of my mets too.

My dad bought me a video camera and I am going to start documenting my remaining "time".  I hope I end up documenting for many many years.

There are other alternative treatments/medicines I have looked into and am practicing as well but I plan to do a separate post on those alone.

This morning, Friday, I went to the hospital for 8:30 to have a PICC line put in my left arm.  Last time, I had a port but the chemo was 6 months.  This time I am having 6 cycles, not 8 and will be done in 4.5 months.  I chose the PICC because the port took a while to heal and they can't access any blood work through it like you can with a PICC.  

The chemo regime I am having has not yet been finalized.  I go in Monday morning and may be admitted for 3-5 days and may be treated 24 hours a day for 3-5 days.  I am supposed to get a call today once things are finalized.  I would like to do all 6 treatments as an outpatient- meaning I go home every night after my chemo.

I would like to ask everyone to pray that a miracle happens so I have more time on this earth.  I have so many things I want to accomplish and I have a 3 month old niece I want to watch grow up, along with my future nieces and nephews and even have my own children.

Time is only important spent with those you love.  Lose track of time with them.  Take off your watches.